Anonymous Quotes

Response to clapping: "Thank you for ovating."

When I told her we were going to roast her she said "Of course . . . they only crucify the innocent."

As one skeleton said to the other - if I had any guts I'd get the heck out of here.

Thanks for the nice introduction. Next to my resume that's the closest I'll ever come to perfection.

We were worried that our main speaker wouldn't be able to make it tonight. But fortunately due to a hole in the prosecution's case . . .

I hope you will excuse my being late. The person in this organization who gave me directions here has obviously heard me speak before.

When I was preparing for this speech I asked my family for advice. One member replied "There's a first time for everything so try to be funny and brief."

Most experts suggest that one should open with a joke. Obviously they've never heard me tell a joke.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I'm pleased to be with you. (Pause) That concludes my prepared remarks.

I'm moving down here . . . because some of you in the back might not be able to hear my talk . . . and that wouldn't be fair to those who can hear it.

Opportunity knocks but once.

Optimism: A cheerful frame of mind that enables a tea kettle to sing though in hot water up to its nose.

An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity a pessimist sees a calamity in every opportunity.

Have a place for everything and have everything in its place.

The apples on the other side of the wall are the sweetest.

Acorns were good till bread was found.

What makes us discontented with our condition is the absurdly exaggerated idea we have of the happiness of others.

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Better a fearful end than fear without end.

Keep a thing seven years and you will find a use for it.

Man endures pain as an undeserved punishment woman accepts it as a natural heritage.

Anything which parents have not learned from experience they can now learn from their children.

A mother is a person who if she is not there when you get home from school you wouldn't know how to get your dinner and you wouldn't feel like eating it anyway.

If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?

Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain causes eyes to sparkle cheeks to glow blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker.

When at night you cannot sleep talk to the Shepherd and stop counting sheep.

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the presence of God no matter what the conflict.

Don't be discouraged. It's often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.

If you want your ship to come in you must build a dock.

Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first the lesson afterwards.

Ideas are a dime a dozen. People who put them into action are priceless.

The waters wear the stones.

A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.

One of Wordsworth's Lake District neighbours remarked upon hearing of the poet's death "I suppose his son will carry on the business."

It's nice to have four years between elections. It takes people that long to regain their faith.

What obstructs the vision and is called smog in our big cities is called defining the issues in politics

A politican is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

If you prepare for old age old age comes sooner.

People by and large will relate to the image you project.

Always imitate the behavior of the winner when you lose.

The only prison we need to escape from is the prison of our own minds.

He was a "how" thinker not an "if" thinker.

Some folks think they are thinking when they are only rearranging their prejudices.

Horsepower was a wonderful thing when only horses had it.

'Mr. President I am praying for you. 'Which way Senator?'

What men usually ask of God when they pray is that two and two not make four.

Prayer changes things.

The only way to pray is to pray and the way to pray well is to pray much.

God tells us to burden him with whatever burdens us.

In the morning prayer is the key that opens to us the treasures of God's mercies and blessings in the evening it is the key that shuts us up under His protection and safeguard.