A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I love to go the library to borrow books. But I also enjoyed buying books to create my sacred library.

When you are made to pay for such insolence, I shall revel in your ruin.

A sense of humor judges one's actions and the actions of others from a wider reference ... it pardons shortcomings it consoles failure. It recommends moderation.

Tim has given me confidence and strength and my foundation. He makes me feel like I can conquer the world.

I feel a responsibility to the fans who have paid to see me and I want to give as good a show as I possibly can.

Suffering is seeing what Jesus sees, and joy is doing what Jesus does.

We need to reevaluate that women who ask for a pay raise or ask for a promotion - it's actually an okay thing.

I have solved what color is, however ; I still have no idea about what line is.

I know I haven't much sense or sobriety, but I've got what is ever so much better — the knack of making people like me.

It's better to be hanged for loyalty than be rewarded for betrayal.