A grandparent will accept your calls from anywhere, collect.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

A life without product is a wasted life

I like to smile a lot before going in the car. I make jokes, even on the grid, and then I can still manage to focus when it counts.

Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen.

In the world of comedy, having a partner is not the most unusual thing.

God's love in John 3:16 is not amazing because the world is so big, but because the world is so bad.

As it enters the ear, does it come in like broken glass, or does it come in like honey?

Science is about finding ever better approximations rather than pretending you have already found ultimate truth. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.

Any representation of God produces accordingly.

To be right, be willing to admit you are wrong.

Creativity is a highfalutin' word for the work I have to do between now and Tuesday.